Why should I let go? It’s not that I want to It’s that the feelings are stronger Than I’d care to admit And it’s easier to let them float away with the wind Than to let them soak in the waters that were created by the tears that I’ve cried while waiting for a solid sign The earth that I stand on quivers and shakes with every thought And every sigh The fire…it Burns. It’s not that I want to let go But that it feels like the only way out of this…insanity Do I feel ashamed that I can give and give Without condition With full submission? No. Not at all. But logic will tell me that it makes no sense That I should give up feeling what is just pretend Just a daydream Just a fantasy But then again It would take just one move One word One look And logic walks right out the door As I let you back in And the entire cycle begins again So do I let go And then it’s gone for good? Or keep holding on Until I’m gone?
Confession: I own a few decks of tarot cards. Clarification: I don’t use them for fortune-telling.
Everyone has intuition and everyone uses it. Some people are just a lot more aware of their intuition than others. There are numerous different tools to help you tune into your intuition. The Tarot is one of those tools.
When I mention to people that I like doing tarot readings for myself and for my friends, they think it’s a joke and ask, “You believe in that stuff?”
As a matter of fact, yes! I believe in tuning into your intuition, that “gut feeling” about things. I believe in seeking clarity. I believe in relaxing and quieting your mind, and then concentrating on the situation you are wanting to improve. What is so mystical about that?
For me, it works hand-in-hand with prayer and meditation.
You have to use your intuition in order to read tarot cards for yourself or others. Each card may have a standard meaning or message, but really, each reading is up for your own interpretation. We all view the same world through different perspectives; the tarot is no different. Every sign or message we are presented with, we each interpret in our own way. Even if you don’t “believe” that there is any substance to tarot readings, trust me, you will still get the message that you were meant to hear. Just trust your intuition.
Don’t mind my “long-lasting” gel manicure…can you “feel” or “think” with your hands?
I set my bowl of honey With hopes you’d fly in I poured it all on me Let it cover my skin I prayed for your loving I prayed for your sin I hoped you would touch me And that we’d begin
I waited and waited Let it drip to the floor I pictured you craving Consumption and more I felt what it’d feel like If you came through that door Got lost in my thoughts ‘Til all the honey was poured
The year is coming to a close. It’s been real interesting. I became a mother and had an introductory crash course on what life has really been like for my own mother all these years. Motherhood isn’t easy. You miss out on a lot of sleep and self-care. But it’s also very rewarding. The smiles, the cuddles, the coos, the giggles. The fact that when baby is cranky all he wants is mommy. 😇
I have no regrets. I love my baby. Sometimes, I may feel like I can’t get as much done as I would like to. But it doesn’t matter. As long as I take care of the things I need to do in order to care for my little one. He’s the center of my world. And nothing matters more than his well-being, health and happiness. 👩👦
I don’t have much to complain about right now. Even though I may not be in an “ideal” situation, I’m thoroughly enjoying the process of becoming a better me. And quite honestly, I feel like the Universe has been conspiring in my favor lately.
The way to be happy…is to focus on the things that make you happy.
And then there was “him.” Oh how many times I wish this weren’t a thing, but there it is. Deeper than the undiscovered parts of the seas. This is the longest I’ve been this irrational when it comes to a man. Seriously. This space shuttle burst into flames before even launching. I wish he would just fucking decide what it is he fucking wants. Maybe then I can set myself free. I just feel like no matter what, I keep thinking back at all the stupid potential. Honestly, “potential” is such a stupid word to even use. What the fuck is potential? So he has the potential to be a great partner in a committed relationship? But is he a great partner right now? Nah. I seriously need an intervention. Sometimes I think the only thing that will ever set me free from his “potential” is for a charming man to come along, sweep me off my feet, throw me up in the air and catch me as I gently fall without even noticing how in love we are.
I know exactly why he keeps me around. So it’s even dumber that I am still thinking about his “potential.” He keeps me around because he knows I will always respond. I will always react. I will always accept. I will always understand. I think it’s time I stop being so damn understanding. People make excuses for the way they mistreat me and I just understand. I should start taking things personally perhaps. But then again, when I make it known that I don’t accept things, I am told I have overreacted.
So I guess he really is a narcissist. He twists things around so that he can do whatever the fuck he wants while maintaining that “big heart, good intentions” charm. I’m over it.
Not really.
But I wish I was.
I really wish I could just get over it. I’ve tried. I can’t stop it. It’s so difficult. Practically impossible. How does one break the ties between two people who never gave each other a full chance? Everything is so mild. Everything besides the connection, that is. The connection itself–the energy, the love–it’s so deep, strong, attractive, intense.
I just want to fast forward to a day when I’m happily committed to someone who is happily committed to me. Simple.
I know where I’m going. I know what I’m looking for. I just need to trust that my decisions will get me there. I need to trust that the steps I take, at any given moment, are leading me closer and closer to my destination. Even if I can’t see the full picture. Even if there are obstacles along the way. I will get there. And I’ll dive in fully. Without regrets.
Lola M Kelly 