Unsent a message Just as soon as you sent it But I took a screen shot of the notification A mouthful about nothing if you had to unsend it A whole paragraph about things you’ve been feeling Just to take it all back To make me think that I’m seeing things If it isn’t there now, did it never exist? Typing, typing Stop. Offline. Well, just say what you have to say Or don’t bother at all What’s the difference if you’re scared and always “unsending” your feelings? Alright, let me say something, for a change: I’m not sitting around waiting, so if you want something, express it. Don’t take it back shyly. It’s not cute or appealing. I like… Determination. Expression. Confidence.
For the past month or so, I haven’t posted anything on my blog. And I barely posted and interacted on social media in general. For some reason, I just felt… blocked. Each time I tried to post something, it just didn’t feel right. I know what you might be thinking, and trust me, I’ve thought it too: “Just do it!” Right? But I’m big on energy. The energy didn’t feel right. And so, to preserve my own energy, I decided to just take a break from the online world.
It was a much needed transition from 2020 into 2021.
Often, we act like things will automatically change when the year changes, or when the month changes, or when the season changes. And that’s not truly the case, which is why new year’s resolutions often fail. Small, gradual lifestyle changes are much more likely to stick. And these lead to greater, more profound changes that will really make a nice impact on your life. This year, instead of coming up with resolutions that I know I won’t stick to, I’ve been thinking about what I want to experience and how I want to impact people. And the little changes I can implement here and there to help me reach those goals.
A few things I will do my best to commit to are…
Consistency. This one is difficult, as a full-time employee and single mother. Getting anything else done, besides working for my regular paycheck and taking care of my little one, is a struggle more often than not. My number one priority is my son, and I don’t want to take away from quality time with him during the very important toddler years. He’s learning and growing so much everyday! Lately, we have been working on ways to keep him happily occupied while I take care of other tasks.
New Content. When I first started this blog, it was really just a place where I’d upload travel pics, random thoughts, poems, and even recipes. I ended up deciding to stick with mainly poetry and travel pics. But I would like to try expanding my blog and test out a wider range of topics. Feedback is always appreciated so please let me know what you like and what you want to see more of!
Interaction. In the past few months, I’ve come to learn that the blogging world mostly consists of bloggers encouraging, uplifting and supporting each other! I love the community energy and will do my best to engage more. 💗
Confidence. I’ve been doing self-healing work, acknowledging my shadows, and letting go of the need for perfection. Throughout my life, I’ve dealt with bouts of low self-esteem and perfectionism (a terrible combo). So I aim to just flow more freely and openly going forward. One baby step at a time though 😅
Anyway…
That’s an update on where I’ve been. Not missing in action, just working on my energy. I love you all and can’t wait to share positive vibes!
If you’ve got any tips or advice for any of my commitments, or any feedback in general, I’m all ears!
I set my bowl of honey With hopes you’d fly in I poured it all on me Let it cover my skin I prayed for your loving I prayed for your sin I hoped you would touch me And that we’d begin
I waited and waited Let it drip to the floor I pictured you craving Consumption and more I felt what it’d feel like If you came through that door Got lost in my thoughts ‘Til all the honey was poured
I’ve been dreaming of him a lot. Ever since I got to know him. It always seems like I am trying to face one of my insecurities in each dream. And despite that, I’m always so happy to see him there. It’s comforting, pleasant. And he always seems to be there for me, to make me feel loved and reassured.
You used to do that for me too, in real life. You’d make me feel comfortable and like I could really be open, like I didn’t have to hide. I wanted to make myself even better just for you. I was vulnerable because I felt safe. I felt… home. I didn’t want to run away. For once. So why did you push me away? Why?
And then there was “him.” Oh how many times I wish this weren’t a thing, but there it is. Deeper than the undiscovered parts of the seas. This is the longest I’ve been this irrational when it comes to a man. Seriously. This space shuttle burst into flames before even launching. I wish he would just fucking decide what it is he fucking wants. Maybe then I can set myself free. I just feel like no matter what, I keep thinking back at all the stupid potential. Honestly, “potential” is such a stupid word to even use. What the fuck is potential? So he has the potential to be a great partner in a committed relationship? But is he a great partner right now? Nah. I seriously need an intervention. Sometimes I think the only thing that will ever set me free from his “potential” is for a charming man to come along, sweep me off my feet, throw me up in the air and catch me as I gently fall without even noticing how in love we are.
I know exactly why he keeps me around. So it’s even dumber that I am still thinking about his “potential.” He keeps me around because he knows I will always respond. I will always react. I will always accept. I will always understand. I think it’s time I stop being so damn understanding. People make excuses for the way they mistreat me and I just understand. I should start taking things personally perhaps. But then again, when I make it known that I don’t accept things, I am told I have overreacted.
So I guess he really is a narcissist. He twists things around so that he can do whatever the fuck he wants while maintaining that “big heart, good intentions” charm. I’m over it.
Not really.
But I wish I was.
I really wish I could just get over it. I’ve tried. I can’t stop it. It’s so difficult. Practically impossible. How does one break the ties between two people who never gave each other a full chance? Everything is so mild. Everything besides the connection, that is. The connection itself–the energy, the love–it’s so deep, strong, attractive, intense.
I just want to fast forward to a day when I’m happily committed to someone who is happily committed to me. Simple.
Lola M Kelly 