Nervous
Because the memory, of things which haven’t occurred, haunts me
And I am bound with these invisible yet burdensome chains
To a spirit of enlightenment
That no one will believe
Unless they, too, are free
Woke
Just my imagination
It’s just my imagination
When I open my eyes and see you next to me
Right?
When you text me
When you call me
When you say my name as if you’re falling
There’s nothing really there
Right?
It’s just my imagination
When you rush to my side when I’m feeling down
Right?
When you protect me
When you uplift me
When you say you’ll always be there for me
There’s nothing really there
Right?
It’s just my imagination
When you talk about the future and my role in it
Right?
When you say you need me
When you say you want me
When you tell me “please don’t leave me”
There’s nothing really there
Right?
It’s just my imagination?
Right?
Right?
Right.
11:11, a poem
11:11
Hello my friend
So good to see you again
Time to recycle old feelings
And renew these vows until the end
Look at my reflection
And you’ll see yourself
For your eyes see through my soul
And my soul is in tune with yours
Entangled
Do you remember when we first locked eyes?
It seems like we can escape time
Like we’ve met before in a previous life
Like we’ve known each other
Like you were mine
11:11
I think of you
And you just show up
No need to call you
You hear my thoughts
And respond in an instant
If I could choose a friend for the end of the world
I’d choose you again and again
I feel this melancholy like I’m missing you
I’m missing you like I’ve been with you
I’m feeling like I’m needing you
Not in the way that I can’t live without you
But I don’t want to be without you
11:11
You emerge again
You awaken me from my slumber
You ignite my hunger
You set the fire and walk away
Then tell me that you should’ve stayed
Come closer, without delay
11:11
My twin flame
I Wonder
What does it feel like
To be in your shoes?
I wonder
As I sit here sulking
Soaking in the madness of my life
I wonder if it’s better where you are
Do you, too, look up at the stars
And wonder if they’re brighter
To someone worlds apart?
Dear Honey
I set my bowl of honey
With hopes you’d fly in
I poured it all on me
Let it cover my skin
I prayed for your loving
I prayed for your sin
I hoped you would touch me
And that we’d begin
I waited and waited
Let it drip to the floor
I pictured you craving
Consumption and more
I felt what it’d feel like
If you came through that door
Got lost in my thoughts
‘Til all the honey was poured
Do you love the beach?
Just felt like sharing some photos from a recent beach day. Enjoy!
5 ways to find peace within
There are some things in this lifetime that I have been through… and looking back, I sometimes wonder just how exactly did I get through those tough times? It seems that sometimes I barely made it, hanging by a thread. And now I just feel so good about my life, in general!
So how can we all start to feel good about ourselves and our lives everyday, and get through all the tough times? They’re inevitable, so might as well be prepared with some tools to help turn the page into a better part of the chapter.
1. Journal. I know it’s been said to do this in just about every self help article and book. But writing down what you feel, what you are facing, what you are trying to do, etc. really helps you put things into perspective. Not only will it help you really assess the gravity of your situation, but it may also lead you to feel gratitude for the things that are going right.
2. Practice Gratitude. This is going to sometimes be the most difficult thing to do when it feels like your whole world is broken, but trust me, it will help! You can start with the basics: I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for the food I am about eat. Then move on to bigger, more complex things. I am grateful for my family’s support. I am grateful to have a job. And so on and so forth.
3. Groom Yourself. Yup. Groom yourself. Oftentimes, when I’m feeling down or overwhelmed, I somewhat let myself go without even realizing it. It’s super easy for this to happen as a mother to a toddler. Then suddenly I realize I look less than spectacular, so I finally pluck my eyebrows, trim my hair, polish my nails and start to feel uplifted instantly!
4. Get Outside. Go somewhere, outside! It could be as simple as sitting on a bench at the nearby park, or getting all the way to the beach for some ocean vibes. Do this whenever possible. It will stimulate your senses, to reinvigorate you. You’ll feel clearer, refreshed.
5. Clean Up Your Space. There’s nothing that can weigh me down more on a daily basis than a cluttered living or working space. I try to at least keep everything clean. Tidy and organized is another story. However, when I do finally “reset” things and put everything in its proper place and reorganize, I feel much more clearheaded and ready to take on any task at hand.
31 Random Things I Love 💖
1. When my baby giggles and then squeezes me tightly. 👶🏻
2. Actually understanding something in a new language I’m learning. 📙
3. When someone understands exactly what I’m saying even though I’m overcomplicating what I’m trying to say. 🙌
4. Finding a new song that expresses exactly what someone makes me feel. 💞
5. Being able to share that song with that someone. 🎶
6. Good night calls and good morning texts. 📱
7. Making a dessert for people I love and watching the joy on their face as they eat it. 🍰
8. The way my eyebrows look once I get them done (myself) after growing them out for a while. 🤨
9. Floating around in the ocean water, when the sun and the water are both warm. 🌊
10. Meeting new interesting people, even if I never see them again. 👥
11. When I look good in a selfie with minimal effort. 🤳
12. When my best friends understand the exact meaning of any of my facial expressions. 😏
13. When a tarot reading confirms something I already kind of knew. 🃏
14. My toe nails, freshly polished. 👣
15. When I complete a craft project smoothly! 📐
16. Creating a playlist full of songs that match one of my moods. 🎼
17. Good, cheesy, flavorful pizza. 🍕
18. My bed, just made with freshly laundered sheets. 🛌
19. Sleeping with a fan on. ❄
20. The flickering of candlelight in a dark room. 🕯
21. The scent of fresh cut flowers. 💐
22. Everything about autumn. The colors, the air, the foods, the festivities. 🍂
23. When my little one just wants to snuggle with me at the end of the day. 👩👦
24. Long weekends at home, relaxing! 🛋
25. The butterfly feelings when talking to a crush. 🦋
26. An ice cold drink on a hot day! 🥤
27. Writing…anything! ✍
28. Finding a new series to watch, and being hooked on it from the start. 📺
29. When the exact outfit you want to wear fits perfectly! 👗
30. Freshly trimmed-down finger nails. 💅
31. Perfect lighting to fit the mood. 💡
Letter to Him
I’ve been dreaming of him a lot. Ever since I got to know him. It always seems like I am trying to face one of my insecurities in each dream. And despite that, I’m always so happy to see him there. It’s comforting, pleasant. And he always seems to be there for me, to make me feel loved and reassured.
You used to do that for me too, in real life. You’d make me feel comfortable and like I could really be open, like I didn’t have to hide. I wanted to make myself even better just for you. I was vulnerable because I felt safe. I felt… home. I didn’t want to run away. For once. So why did you push me away? Why?
Playing the Field
And then there was “him.” Oh how many times I wish this weren’t a thing, but there it is. Deeper than the undiscovered parts of the seas. This is the longest I’ve been this irrational when it comes to a man. Seriously. This space shuttle burst into flames before even launching. I wish he would just fucking decide what it is he fucking wants. Maybe then I can set myself free. I just feel like no matter what, I keep thinking back at all the stupid potential. Honestly, “potential” is such a stupid word to even use. What the fuck is potential? So he has the potential to be a great partner in a committed relationship? But is he a great partner right now? Nah. I seriously need an intervention. Sometimes I think the only thing that will ever set me free from his “potential” is for a charming man to come along, sweep me off my feet, throw me up in the air and catch me as I gently fall without even noticing how in love we are.
I know exactly why he keeps me around. So it’s even dumber that I am still thinking about his “potential.” He keeps me around because he knows I will always respond. I will always react. I will always accept. I will always understand. I think it’s time I stop being so damn understanding. People make excuses for the way they mistreat me and I just understand. I should start taking things personally perhaps. But then again, when I make it known that I don’t accept things, I am told I have overreacted.
So I guess he really is a narcissist. He twists things around so that he can do whatever the fuck he wants while maintaining that “big heart, good intentions” charm. I’m over it.
Not really.
But I wish I was.
I really wish I could just get over it. I’ve tried. I can’t stop it. It’s so difficult. Practically impossible. How does one break the ties between two people who never gave each other a full chance? Everything is so mild. Everything besides the connection, that is. The connection itself–the energy, the love–it’s so deep, strong, attractive, intense.
I just want to fast forward to a day when I’m happily committed to someone who is happily committed to me. Simple.
Lola M Kelly 