Nervous Because the memory, of things which haven’t occurred, haunts me And I am bound with these invisible yet burdensome chains To a spirit of enlightenment That no one will believe Unless they, too, are free
There are some things in this lifetime that I have been through… and looking back, I sometimes wonder just how exactly did I get through those tough times? It seems that sometimes I barely made it, hanging by a thread. And now I just feel so good about my life, in general!
So how can we all start to feel good about ourselves and our lives everyday, and get through all the tough times? They’re inevitable, so might as well be prepared with some tools to help turn the page into a better part of the chapter.
1. Journal. I know it’s been said to do this in just about every self help article and book. But writing down what you feel, what you are facing, what you are trying to do, etc. really helps you put things into perspective. Not only will it help you really assess the gravity of your situation, but it may also lead you to feel gratitude for the things that are going right.
2. Practice Gratitude. This is going to sometimes be the most difficult thing to do when it feels like your whole world is broken, but trust me, it will help! You can start with the basics: I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for the food I am about eat. Then move on to bigger, more complex things. I am grateful for my family’s support. I am grateful to have a job. And so on and so forth.
3. Groom Yourself. Yup. Groom yourself. Oftentimes, when I’m feeling down or overwhelmed, I somewhat let myself go without even realizing it. It’s super easy for this to happen as a mother to a toddler. Then suddenly I realize I look less than spectacular, so I finally pluck my eyebrows, trim my hair, polish my nails and start to feel uplifted instantly!
4. Get Outside. Go somewhere, outside! It could be as simple as sitting on a bench at the nearby park, or getting all the way to the beach for some ocean vibes. Do this whenever possible. It will stimulate your senses, to reinvigorate you. You’ll feel clearer, refreshed.
5. Clean Up Your Space. There’s nothing that can weigh me down more on a daily basis than a cluttered living or working space. I try to at least keep everything clean. Tidy and organized is another story. However, when I do finally “reset” things and put everything in its proper place and reorganize, I feel much more clearheaded and ready to take on any task at hand.
I’ve been dreaming of him a lot. Ever since I got to know him. It always seems like I am trying to face one of my insecurities in each dream. And despite that, I’m always so happy to see him there. It’s comforting, pleasant. And he always seems to be there for me, to make me feel loved and reassured.
You used to do that for me too, in real life. You’d make me feel comfortable and like I could really be open, like I didn’t have to hide. I wanted to make myself even better just for you. I was vulnerable because I felt safe. I felt… home. I didn’t want to run away. For once. So why did you push me away? Why?
And then there was “him.” Oh how many times I wish this weren’t a thing, but there it is. Deeper than the undiscovered parts of the seas. This is the longest I’ve been this irrational when it comes to a man. Seriously. This space shuttle burst into flames before even launching. I wish he would just fucking decide what it is he fucking wants. Maybe then I can set myself free. I just feel like no matter what, I keep thinking back at all the stupid potential. Honestly, “potential” is such a stupid word to even use. What the fuck is potential? So he has the potential to be a great partner in a committed relationship? But is he a great partner right now? Nah. I seriously need an intervention. Sometimes I think the only thing that will ever set me free from his “potential” is for a charming man to come along, sweep me off my feet, throw me up in the air and catch me as I gently fall without even noticing how in love we are.
I know exactly why he keeps me around. So it’s even dumber that I am still thinking about his “potential.” He keeps me around because he knows I will always respond. I will always react. I will always accept. I will always understand. I think it’s time I stop being so damn understanding. People make excuses for the way they mistreat me and I just understand. I should start taking things personally perhaps. But then again, when I make it known that I don’t accept things, I am told I have overreacted.
So I guess he really is a narcissist. He twists things around so that he can do whatever the fuck he wants while maintaining that “big heart, good intentions” charm. I’m over it.
But I wish I was.
I really wish I could just get over it. I’ve tried. I can’t stop it. It’s so difficult. Practically impossible. How does one break the ties between two people who never gave each other a full chance? Everything is so mild. Everything besides the connection, that is. The connection itself–the energy, the love–it’s so deep, strong, attractive, intense.
I just want to fast forward to a day when I’m happily committed to someone who is happily committed to me. Simple.