Unsending Messages

Unsent a message
Just as soon as you sent it
But I took a screen shot of the notification
A mouthful about nothing if you had to unsend it
A whole paragraph about things you’ve been feeling
Just to take it all back
To make me think that I’m seeing things
If it isn’t there now, did it never exist?
Typing, typing
Stop.
Offline.
Well, just say what you have to say
Or don’t bother at all
What’s the difference if you’re scared and always “unsending” your feelings?
Alright, let me say something, for a change:
I’m not sitting around waiting, so if you want something, express it.
Don’t take it back shyly. It’s not cute or appealing.
I like…
Determination.
Expression.
Confidence.

Hit Send!

Okay, wait… did I really just send that?

Bedtime Tea

Just like this tea, I am in need

Of some sugar, honey, and maybe cream

So hot and spicy

This ginger tea

To ease the pain

Of my unsettled woes

To ease the strain

On my severed hopes

To soothe my throat

After all this crying

To give me life

When I feel I’m dying

Just like this tea

I can heal my pain

Forget the sadness

Ignore the rain

Take joy in each sip

From the cup that’s life

Go on with my day

Until it turns to night

Just like this tea

I am in need

To be poured into a vessel

And be held

And ease

Impromptu Break

For the past month or so, I haven’t posted anything on my blog. And I barely posted and interacted on social media in general. For some reason, I just felt… blocked. Each time I tried to post something, it just didn’t feel right. I know what you might be thinking, and trust me, I’ve thought it too: “Just do it!” Right? But I’m big on energy. The energy didn’t feel right. And so, to preserve my own energy, I decided to just take a break from the online world.

It was a much needed transition from 2020 into 2021.

Often, we act like things will automatically change when the year changes, or when the month changes, or when the season changes. And that’s not truly the case, which is why new year’s resolutions often fail. Small, gradual lifestyle changes are much more likely to stick. And these lead to greater, more profound changes that will really make a nice impact on your life. This year, instead of coming up with resolutions that I know I won’t stick to, I’ve been thinking about what I want to experience and how I want to impact people. And the little changes I can implement here and there to help me reach those goals.

A few things I will do my best to commit to are…

Consistency. This one is difficult, as a full-time employee and single mother. Getting anything else done, besides working for my regular paycheck and taking care of my little one, is a struggle more often than not. My number one priority is my son, and I don’t want to take away from quality time with him during the very important toddler years. He’s learning and growing so much everyday! Lately, we have been working on ways to keep him happily occupied while I take care of other tasks.

New Content. When I first started this blog, it was really just a place where I’d upload travel pics, random thoughts, poems, and even recipes. I ended up deciding to stick with mainly poetry and travel pics. But I would like to try expanding my blog and test out a wider range of topics. Feedback is always appreciated so please let me know what you like and what you want to see more of!

Interaction. In the past few months, I’ve come to learn that the blogging world mostly consists of bloggers encouraging, uplifting and supporting each other! I love the community energy and will do my best to engage more. 💗

Confidence. I’ve been doing self-healing work, acknowledging my shadows, and letting go of the need for perfection. Throughout my life, I’ve dealt with bouts of low self-esteem and perfectionism (a terrible combo). So I aim to just flow more freely and openly going forward. One baby step at a time though 😅

Anyway…

That’s an update on where I’ve been. Not missing in action, just working on my energy. I love you all and can’t wait to share positive vibes!

If you’ve got any tips or advice for any of my commitments, or any feedback in general, I’m all ears!

Just my imagination

It’s just my imagination

When I open my eyes and see you next to me

Right? 

When you text me

When you call me

When you say my name as if you’re falling

There’s nothing really there

Right? 

It’s just my imagination

When you rush to my side when I’m feeling down

Right?

When you protect me

When you uplift me

When you say you’ll always be there for me

There’s nothing really there

Right?

It’s just my imagination

When you talk about the future and my role in it

Right?

When you say you need me

When you say you want me

When you tell me “please don’t leave me”

There’s nothing really there

Right? 

It’s just my imagination? 

Right?

Right?

Right.

11:11, a poem

a poem about twin flames

11:11
Hello my friend
So good to see you again
Time to recycle old feelings
And renew these vows until the end


Look at my reflection
And you’ll see yourself
For your eyes see through my soul
And my soul is in tune with yours
Entangled


Do you remember when we first locked eyes?
It seems like we can escape time
Like we’ve met before in a previous life
Like we’ve known each other
Like you were mine


11:11
I think of you
And you just show up
No need to call you
You hear my thoughts
And respond in an instant


If I could choose a friend for the end of the world
I’d choose you again and again


I feel this melancholy like I’m missing you
I’m missing you like I’ve been with you
I’m feeling like I’m needing you
Not in the way that I can’t live without you
But I don’t want to be without you


11:11
You emerge again
You awaken me from my slumber
You ignite my hunger
You set the fire and walk away
Then tell me that you should’ve stayed
Come closer, without delay


11:11
My twin flame

Dear Honey

I set my bowl of honey
With hopes you’d fly in
I poured it all on me
Let it cover my skin
I prayed for your loving
I prayed for your sin
I hoped you would touch me
And that we’d begin

I waited and waited
Let it drip to the floor
I pictured you craving
Consumption and more
I felt what it’d feel like
If you came through that door
Got lost in my thoughts
‘Til all the honey was poured

5 ways to find peace within

There are some things in this lifetime that I have been through… and looking back, I sometimes wonder just how exactly did I get through those tough times? It seems that sometimes I barely made it, hanging by a thread. And now I just feel so good about my life, in general!

So how can we all start to feel good about ourselves and our lives everyday, and get through all the tough times? They’re inevitable, so might as well be prepared with some tools to help turn the page into a better part of the chapter.

1. Journal. I know it’s been said to do this in just about every self help article and book. But writing down what you feel, what you are facing, what you are trying to do, etc. really helps you put things into perspective. Not only will it help you really assess the gravity of your situation, but it may also lead you to feel gratitude for the things that are going right.

2. Practice Gratitude. This is going to sometimes be the most difficult thing to do when it feels like your whole world is broken, but trust me, it will help! You can start with the basics: I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for the food I am about eat. Then move on to bigger, more complex things. I am grateful for my family’s support. I am grateful to have a job. And so on and so forth.

3. Groom Yourself. Yup. Groom yourself. Oftentimes, when I’m feeling down or overwhelmed, I somewhat let myself go without even realizing it. It’s super easy for this to happen as a mother to a toddler. Then suddenly I realize I look less than spectacular, so I finally pluck my eyebrows, trim my hair, polish my nails and start to feel uplifted instantly!

4. Get Outside. Go somewhere, outside! It could be as simple as sitting on a bench at the nearby park, or getting all the way to the beach for some ocean vibes. Do this whenever possible. It will stimulate your senses, to reinvigorate you. You’ll feel clearer, refreshed.

5. Clean Up Your Space. There’s nothing that can weigh me down more on a daily basis than a cluttered living or working space. I try to at least keep everything clean. Tidy and organized is another story. However, when I do finally “reset” things and put everything in its proper place and reorganize, I feel much more clearheaded and ready to take on any task at hand.

Photo taken at Satellite Beach

Letter to Him

I’ve been dreaming of him a lot. Ever since I got to know him. It always seems like I am trying to face one of my insecurities in each dream. And despite that, I’m always so happy to see him there. It’s comforting, pleasant. And he always seems to be there for me, to make me feel loved and reassured.

You used to do that for me too, in real life. You’d make me feel comfortable and like I could really be open, like I didn’t have to hide. I wanted to make myself even better just for you. I was vulnerable because I felt safe. I felt… home. I didn’t want to run away. For once. So why did you push me away? Why?

Playing the Field

And then there was “him.” Oh how many times I wish this weren’t a thing, but there it is. Deeper than the undiscovered parts of the seas. This is the longest I’ve been this irrational when it comes to a man. Seriously. This space shuttle burst into flames before even launching. I wish he would just fucking decide what it is he fucking wants. Maybe then I can set myself free. I just feel like no matter what, I keep thinking back at all the stupid potential. Honestly, “potential” is such a stupid word to even use. What the fuck is potential? So he has the potential to be a great partner in a committed relationship? But is he a great partner right now? Nah. I seriously need an intervention. Sometimes I think the only thing that will ever set me free from his “potential” is for a charming man to come along, sweep me off my feet, throw me up in the air and catch me as I gently fall without even noticing how in love we are.

I know exactly why he keeps me around. So it’s even dumber that I am still thinking about his “potential.” He keeps me around because he knows I will always respond. I will always react. I will always accept. I will always understand. I think it’s time I stop being so damn understanding. People make excuses for the way they mistreat me and I just understand. I should start taking things personally perhaps. But then again, when I make it known that I don’t accept things, I am told I have overreacted.

So I guess he really is a narcissist. He twists things around so that he can do whatever the fuck he wants while maintaining that “big heart, good intentions” charm. I’m over it.

Not really.

But I wish I was.

I really wish I could just get over it. I’ve tried. I can’t stop it. It’s so difficult. Practically impossible. How does one break the ties between two people who never gave each other a full chance? Everything is so mild. Everything besides the connection, that is. The connection itself–the energy, the love–it’s so deep, strong, attractive, intense.

I just want to fast forward to a day when I’m happily committed to someone who is happily committed to me. Simple.

 

20170625_112532
Somewhere in Indiana, June 2017

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